6/9/24 How to parent your highly sensitive child better
What is the purpose of this podcast?
Live intro with hook - Hello my lovelies. Today we’re going to talk about Parenting by Personality once again and this week we’re talking about how to parent your highly sensitive child better. This is the child that can be the easiest and most difficult child to parent for several reasons, but we’ll get to that in a moment.
Before we dive in, I want to make clear that what I am about to share are experiences from my life and what I learned along the way. Your situation may be different, and this is no substitute for medical or mental health intervention if your situation warrants it. This podcast series is designed to help parents understand themselves and their children better based on their personalities. It is not intended to diagnose or treat any mental or physical condition. If you suspect you or a family member is at risk of physical or mental harm, please seek proper medical help immediately.
For those who are new to the podcast, when I talk about personalities, communication and relationships, I use the DISC personality model of behavior and refer to people as D or Driven, I or Inspired, S or Supportive, and C or Cautious. You can find links to take your own Personality Assessment in the Show Notes
This is the third installment of this series, and I want to reiterate that it’s important to understand that some children are the same from the day they’re born, and you know it. My oldest had preferences and let you know in no uncertain terms when he was unhappy as a child. He wasn’t an unhappy human, but he was very clear about his preferences. My middle was more easy going and always seemed to be happy to go with the flow as a little guy, and we were shocked to find out those two had the same personality mix, which taught me that even people with the same personality mix can be so very different. It also helped me realize why my older two seemed to click when they were younger, and it took longer for them to click with their younger brother who has a very different personality type than either of them.
My youngest child, who is now 24 years old, has an S/CI personality, and the best thing about that is that he’s been easy going since the day he was born. The most challenging thing has sometimes been that he’s so easy going, it seems like he has little to no drive. More on that in a bit.
The thing to know with a highly sensitive child is that they prefer a peaceful existence. With our son, you might not think that when he plays video games because he gets very passionate during the game, but other than that, he tends toward a comfortable existence and takes things more in stride than most, which was very helpful when he was a child that needed shots every day to stay healthy but frustrating when his adhd and easy going nature teamed up and he couldn’t get his work done at school or at home.
It didn’t matter what we did to address that situation, from taking away his favorite thing, video games, to offering rewards and everything in between, school wasn’t his thing, and there were days that I honestly wondered if he would even graduate high school. Ironically, he actually finished his high school curriculum early and could have graduated early, but we had him participate in the graduation ceremony so he didn’t officially graduate until the rest of his class. In the meantime, he decided he wanted to go to college, which was kind of a shock to us, so we enrolled him at a community college branch of our local university and had him take a couple of general education classes to see how he would do, and he did fine, so off to the main campus he went.
In that year, he learned that he wasn’t quite ready to be on his own, so he moved back home for the duration of his college career, which actually worked to his favor since he was one of the Covid college kids who lost a lot of on campus time but was able to go to his graduation ceremony a year early because he finished a five year program in four years.
And that’s the thing about a highly sensitive Supportive personality. They will astound you with their actions in good and challenging ways. So, how do you parent that? Let’s talk about it.
If you are a Driven parent with a Supportive child please know that your child detests conflict, and while you love a good debate, your debating can sound like criticism and yelling to the highly sensitive child even when you are only questioning and gathering information. While you like to move through things quickly, they like to take their time. They are the ones that like to meander the path while you love to conquer the mountain.
Your direct approach can be overwhelming to your highly sensitive child, and while that is your style, it serves you best to soften that approach with your sensitive child so they can hear you rather than feel like they're under attack. I remember my son asking me why I was yelling at him at times when I was simply asking for information to talk to a teacher or help my son decide how to proceed with a difficult task, and I even asked other family members if I was yelling, and they confirmed that I wasn’t, but I knew I needed to change my tactics to truly get through to my son.
As we’ve talked about before, one of the hallmarks of the D personality is their ability to make decisions quickly. This is not something the S personality excels in. This can be the best or worst scenario for the D parent and S child because, who better to teach a child how to assess a situation and make a decision than a Driven parent? The challenge, though, is to understand that the child will probably never make the decision as quickly as the D parent would like because the D parent wants to make the decision quickly and move on while the sensitive child wants to think for a while about how the decision feels to them, which can be a foreign concept to the Driven parent.
Also, the highly sensitive supportive child needs to get used to the idea of change because, unlike the Driven parent, pivoting is a challenge for the S child. They do not live for excitement and tend to love their routines. This can help the D parent slow down a bit and learn to live in the moment rather than always be heading for the next thing, and when each learns from the other, it can be a beautiful and synergistic relationship indeed.
As an Inspired parent, who is also a morning person, having a child who is highly sensitive and is not a morning person changed how I approached mornings entirely. I was still happy and bubbly, but I definitely toned down my enthusiasm level for my reserved children, especially the highly sensitive one who was easily overstimulated in the morning.
The other thing I did was to work very hard at having some type of routine. Part of that was his adhd and his medical condition because he needed the routine to regulate his adhd and to make sure he took his meds on a regular basis. Please understand that as an Inspired mom, this was no easy task for me. Up until this child’s birth, I was a fun mom who flew by the seat of her pants.
When this child came along, I still tried my best to be the fun mom, but she got a bit of a makeover because as I got into a routine because of the youngest, I noticed how it helped the older two, which is probably why it was not a surprise to find out the others were more task oriented, and the youngest, who needed constant reminding of the routine was more people oriented like his mother.
Fortunately for us all, my youngest’s needs which inspired my transformation, made for a better life for all of us. I was still pretty relaxed about most things, so we could still have a ton of fun, but the house got clean, we got to places on time and our home generally functioned better.
The truth is, I am still relearning how to live an organized life now that my children are grown because they were my reason for staying organized and on top of things, so thanks for that kids!
As for my highly sensitive child, he still lives with us, so we’re navigating how to live as mutually respectful adults rather than parent and child because while he will always be my baby, he is most definitely an adult, and treating him as anything else would not serve either of us.
The Supportive part of my personality is as highly sensitive as my son, but here’s an interesting twist. Because I am on the more outgoing side of things and my son is on the reserved side of things, my sensitivity being triggered causes me to lean into a situation to try to figure things out by discussing them with others. When my son’s sensitivity is triggered, it causes him to lean back to try to figure things out in his own mind before talking with anyone else.
Can you imagine the epic parenting fails I had with this young man early on? I would push and push and he would withdraw further. It was not pretty, but we finally came to an understanding, and when we have a situation that is causing us both difficulty, we decide how long he will distance himself before we come together to either discuss what’s bothering him or how long before he tells us his solution to a problem and if he needs our input to figure things out. It isn’t foolproof, but it actually works most of the time.
The thing about highly sensitive adults and children is that they never want to upset one another, and that means that they tend to be extremely kind to one another. On the flip side, because they are more inclined to defer to others, sometimes making a decision is difficult. As a matter of fact, when the person who trained me in DISC saw our family chart, he asked me how in the world we made a decision, and I answered it was one of the most challenging things for our family.
Even things like choosing a restaurant can take an hour or more because, usually, none of us has a strong opinion. Very often we eliminate places we don’t want to go and pick from a list that’s left. Sometimes we pick between two until we come up with one we like best, even if we start with 5 or 6 restaurants, which happens more often than you might think. It’s a process for sure, but fortunately no one gets upset about it because we all truly care about what the others want.
In difficult situations, though, the conflict avoidant highly sensitive parent and child can get into some real trouble. In the child’s case, if they’re struggling with something like school, they may not tell the parent until they’re forced to because of a bad grade or a teacher requesting a conferencel, and if the parent suspects that the child is struggling, they may hint that they’re there for their child, but since the communication style is often indirect, the S child may feel like they don’t want to burden their parent.
If I could give a piece of advice to the highly sensitive parent, it would be that if you think something might be wrong, do not ignore it. Even if you feel like you cannot directly confront your child or someone else about your child, find a way to dig deeper. Maybe a text or an email is the answer. Maybe you need someone else to talk to your child, including a therapist. Whatever it is, find a way that works for you so you and your child have the greatest opportunity for great success.
When my son was entering high school, that’s when things seemed to be at their worst, so we found a counselor who specialized in ADHD, and my son saw him for about 6 months, and it really helped. Today our communication with our son is open and honest. We can bring up uncomfortable subjects easier and find solutions quicker, and while this isn’t an ad for therapy or counseling, it is definitely a great tool to use if you need it.
Now let’s talk about the Cautious personality parenting the highly sensitive child. The success of this duo can be enormous because the Cautious parent has the organizational skills that the highly sensitive child often lacks, and because the child wants the parent to like them, they are willing to learn. The Cautious parent needs to be aware that criticism hurts the highly sensitive child deeply, and they will withdraw if they feel attacked, so tact is the order of the day, and perhaps the best way to help the S child is to ask questions like, ‘Why did you do it that way?’ Be careful of your tone, though, because ‘Why did you choose to do it this way?’ can feel very different to the highly sensitive child than ‘Why in the world would you do it that way?’, and with the way that both the highly sensitive child and the C parent can withdraw, communication can grind to a halt for quite some time if the C parent isn’t aware of how much the S child internalizes criticism, especially from those they love.
Because of their kind nature, highly sensitive children are the most susceptible to bullying because they don’t fight back, often until they’ve been pushed to the point of a violent explosion because they hold all of the bullies’ insults and tactics inside until they can’t take it anymore. That is why communication is key with your highly sensitive child. It gives them the language and tools to deal with difficult situations so they can navigate life better on their own terms rather than reacting to the actions of others. It doesn’t guarantee that your child will escape bullying, but it makes it more unlikely and gives your child a sense of balance in themselves when they can communicate effectively about what is going on in their mind and in their life.
As a C parent, you want things done right, but it helps to stay aware of your expectations to make sure that they are appropriate for your child and are not based on the standards you set for yourself. When you can do that, you can raise a mostly organized, highly sensitive child in love rather than anxiety, which is better for all concerned. It may never be perfect, but it can be loving and kind and incredibly successful.
One of the challenges of talking about parenting and personality is the complexity of how the adult and child personality profiles interact and mix. The other thing is that how you interact with one another can be different depending on the situation, especially if you are under stress. That’s why I suggest that everyone book a DISCovery call so we can figure out what would be the best plan for moving forward whatever your personalities.
You may have a question that we can solve in that conversation. We might schedule something more, but I assure you that whatever we chat about, you’ll have some next steps to improve your situation no matter what your personality type.
Go to the Moving Toward Better homepage to sign up for your DISCovery call and let’s chat soon.
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Until next time, keep moving toward better, whatever that looks like for you.
Love you all!
Show Notes
The blessing of a highly sensitive child is how kind they are. The challenge of a highly sensitive child is how easily they can be pushed around even by those they love. There are multiple ways to deal with that issue based on your personality, and today, that’s what we’re going to dive into, so give it a listen and find out how to help your highly sensitive child.
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