5/16/24 How to parent your dramatic child better
What is the purpose of this podcast?
Live intro with hook - Hello my lovelies. Today we’re continuing our talk about Parenting by Personality, and this week we’re talking about the Inspired or dramatic child. This is a child that has no problem showing emotion of any kind, which can be quite the challenge for some parenting types. The good news is that we’re going to dive in with an expert, because guess who has that personality type? Yep. ME and a few others I know too!!!!
Before we dive in, I want to make clear that what I am about to share are personal experiences from my life and what I learned along the way. Your situation may be different, and this is no substitute for medical or mental health intervention if your situation warrants it. This podcast series is designed to help parents understand themselves and their children better based on their personalities. It is not intended to diagnose or treat any mental or physical condition. If you suspect you or a family member is at risk of physical or mental harm, please seek proper medical help immediately.
For those who are new to the podcast, when I talk about personalities, communication and relationships, I use the DISC personality model of behavior and refer to people as D or Driven, I or Inspired, S or Supportive, and C or Cautious. You can find links to take your own Personality Assessment in the Show Notes.
Now, let’s talk about the dramatic, Inspired child. I can guarantee that you’ve seen an Inspired child because they made sure that you saw them. They are the toddlers that have no problem smiling and waving at strangers, and they may be the child that their parents say never met a stranger. On the flip side, they are the ones who, especially when tired, fall out and may have full blown tantrums, and if parents don’t have those types of big emotions themselves, they may struggle to deal with them without causing emotional damage because those parents who don’t have big emotions are sometimes embarrassed and humiliated when their children do.
Inspired/dramatic children need connection, affirmation and fun, and believe it or not, when they’re having those meltdowns, they’re seeking that connection or they’re upset because they feel like they’re losing that connection, not trying to defy you. They are the personality that responds best to the carrot rather than the stick, and they will go the extra mile for people they care about. They are emotional and communicative, and while they can wear out some of the other personalities with their emotions and chatter, when in balance, they never intend to hurt anyone because they love people.
In the younger years, these are the children who want to play all the time. In fact, their favorite phrase as a toddler might just be ‘play with me’, and the more you can teach them through play, the better they learn.
D children also need big jobs to be broken down into bite sized pieces because they can struggle with focus. The phrase, clean up your room, might as well be get ready to go to Mars, because without a plan that they can go through step by step, progress won’t happen. I remember not being able to ever keep my room clean as a child, and while I know it was frustrating for my born organized mom, I truly couldn’t motivate myself to clean my room because I had no idea where to start or how to organize my belongings.
As a teen, my car was even worse, and it wasn’t until I had children that I got good at cleaning my car on a regular basis because I used their sports practice and music lesson time to pick up trash, vacuum, and clean the windows and kept all the supplies I needed to do that in the car at all times. The best part of that for me was that I wasn’t cleaning out the car for hours at a time. Instead, it was 30 minutes max, and it didn’t have to be finished or perfect. I only had to make progress. One week I might pick up the trash and organize the back of my van. The next week I might wash the windows, clean the dash and door handles or vacuum. Whatever seemed the most doable was the thing that I did, and it worked like a charm.
Finally, I children need praise. Yes, all children need praise, but the Inspired child needs it more than others, and when they get that from people they admire and love, it’s life giving in much bigger ways than for other personality types. For them, it’s like when Sally Field accepted her second Oscar and was so excited that other people liked her. I’ve dropped the link for that in the show notes if you’re interested. Her actual speech starts at 2 minutes 40 seconds, and you can see the joy in her face when she says it.
In addition to organization, one of the things that Inspired children struggle with isolation, so sending an I personality child to their room is almost cruel, unless there are toys or something the child likes to play with, so in either case, the point you’re trying to make will be lost because they’ll be fixated on being isolated or they will play with their toys. When I was young, I loved to read, so when my mom sent me to my room, especially to clean it, I would shove the mess in drawers or under the bed and then I would read. I didn’t do it to be defiant. I did it to get the mess out of my sight as quickly as possible, so I could feel less isolated by reading and connecting with the characters in the book. Dramatic Inspired children are much better taught in conversation, and please don’t expect them to just understand what you’ve told them to do before. They need reminders and reinforcement.
Remember the praise I talked about? Here’s where you can catapult your Inspired child to great success. Praise them and teach them to praise and feel confident about themselves because they are susceptible to the influence of others, especially their peers, because they trust that everyone has the love of other people that they have, and it can cause them great heartache if they lack a deep belief in themselves. If you want to talk more about that, I suggest scheduling a free DISCovery call, and we can dive into that deeper.
Rules are another thing that the Inspired Dramatic child struggles with, and if they have to guess at what they’re doing wrong when people think they should just know, it will be an exercise in frustration for everyone. Inspired children, and adults for that matter, are not detail oriented, so expecting them to be, again, will be an exercise in frustration. They will ask for clarification, but if the answer is ‘you know’ or ‘you should know’, I assure you that they don’t. If you want them to remember, find out how they learn best and use that to reinforce what you want them to learn. Be creative with it, and they will remember much better than merely being told one time. I used to make up songs, create posters and charts with my children and more to help them learn the way they needed to learn.
The strength of the Inspired Dramatic child and adult is seeing the big picture and using their imagination to create better worlds and creative projects others merely marvel at. Without the help of people who excel at details, though, those dreams can wither and die. Walt Disney for sure had some I in his personality. He had ideas that were thought to be impossible at the time he envisioned them, but with the help of countless engineers and other technical people, he turned a swamp into the happiest place on earth. It wasn’t easy by a long shot, and there are documentaries that chronicle the construction of Disney World and Disneyland and the incredible number of impossible things that those teams made and continue to make possible. That’s the kind of vision an I adult can have when their strengths are nurtured as opposed to making them focus on details that kill their creative spirit.
On the difference between boy and girl I personalities? That can be interesting. Just as when a girl is ridiculed because she shows D personality traits, boys are often maligned when they show I and S personality traits. Again this is changing with men being more comfortable with showing emotion. People like Andrew Garfield, Stephen Colbert and Anderson Cooper talking about their mothers passing and shedding a few tears show that, which may be why the men we saw in the past with big, emotional personalities often ended up in professions like acting, music and coaching where their boldness and emotion are welcomed rather than ridiculed. And while women end up in those same professions, they have, in the past, had more options. Dramatic women are also welcomed in the professions of teaching, retail, in home party sales, child care and more. I had an English teacher once that read Shakespeare to us in her Alabama accent and had us act out Romeo and Juliet in class, and I can still see her perched on her chair in that classroom making Shakespeare come alive for me. She is the reason I became an English major and the inspiration for the college I chose to attend. That’s how powerful
an Inspired Dramatic person can be. Hopefully it gets easier and easier for all of us to be exactly who we are, whatever your personality, and that’s part of why I do what I do.
You see, the thing that used to bother me most about how other people related to my personality is that some people thought because I wasn’t organized or detail oriented that I wasn’t smart, which was not true at all. I know because I was tested. Ha! (That’s a Big Bang reference for those who don’t know the show) The thing is, that I can be detail oriented if I have to, like when I’m planning a trip, but it takes a huge amount of energy and focus to do that, just like it takes a driven person a lot of energy and self control to deal with an emotional toddler, so let’s talk about how different personalities might deal with their Inspired Dramatic child better.
First we’re going to talk about a Driven parent with an Inspired child. In balance, this is a great duo, if the Driven parent understands that a friendly approach and allowing for the Inspired Dramatic child’s enthusiasm and stories to be part of the process is important. Fortunately, both of these personalities are outgoing and have a faster pace, so the Driven parent can motivate the Inspired Dramatic child in a couple of ways.
If the child wants to tell stories, make a game out of doing a task. Let’s say that the child needs to pick up their toys. You can make it a race to pick things up, or you can have them pick up a certain number of toys by the time you count to a certain number and then they can tell you a story or show you a trick they can do, or you can teach them how to do something they want to learn to do. If you can’t think of something to teach them, I promise they will think of something.
I’ve talked to many Driven parents, and one of the ways I show them they can help their child learn from the know, like and trust paradigm that we use in business because it applies differently to the D and I personalities. For Driven people, they often have to trust you first before they like you, and it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known each other if they trust you, and if they trust you, they don’t even necessarily need to like you to do business with you.
For the Inspired personality, they like everyone until someone gives them a reason to dislike them, and even then, they may forgive more times than is healthy for them because they truly want to see the good in people and like them and be likable at the same time.
That may seem insurmountable, and I remember my mom telling me as an I child that I cared too much what people thought of me while I was shocked at how she could end friendships and stop talking to people without ever giving that person another thought.
What I know as an adult is that without a huge amount of praise and affirmation from a parent and/or important people in an Inspired Dramatic child’s life, they will look outside themselves for that validation. If they’re lucky, they will find that from teachers, coaches or other adults. If they’re unlucky, they fall prey to people who will manipulate them to think that they are worthless without that person’s approval, and it can be very damaging.
What I also know is that many of the Driven parents that I know and have coached have an amazing sense of self, and although much of theirs is natural, when it comes to their children, they can affirm those children to feel amazing about themselves, and when their I child is struggling, if they’re willing to listen, they can figure out how to overcome that if they’re willing to focus on the child and how they feel about themselves rather than how they ‘should’ feel about other people or the challenging situation they might find themselves in.
This is how you turn an unsure I child who truly wants everyone to like them into a strong person who is resistant to people who want to tear them down and can be very successful because they have a strong inner love and respect for themselves.
For an Inspired parent, dealing with your Inspired, Dramatic child can be the most fun you’ve ever had in your life when you’re both in balance. You can share stories and laugh and enjoy each other’s company in so many ways. However, you may never get a single thing done unless you have a plan.
I have one child who has a bit of I in his personality, and we can truly have a lot of fun together. We get each other’s humor and even when we tell stories about things that the other isn’t fully interested in, we can half tune out and the other is perfectly ok with it. We can talk while watching videos on our phones or while we’re doing different things, and we’re just happy to have someone to hang out with.
For this child, body doubling also known as co-working is very helpful for him and for me, and if you have a child that melts down at the thought of cleaning their room or doing their homework alone, I cannot suggest body doubling enough. I used to sit in my child’s room while he cleaned it up and helped redirect him when he got distracted.
When I was a child, I would beg my mom to let me bring a friend in the house when I had chores to do, and when I was living on my own in my 20s, a friend and I would talk on the phone while we cleaned the house and got ready to go out for the evening. This is how the I parent can truly help the I child, and how the Inspired, Dramatic child can help the Inspired and possibly still dramatic parent.
If you know, you know, and if you don’t, try it and see what happens. I won’t say it’s magic, but it certainly feels like it.
For the Supportive parent, you love to nurture, and your Inspired, Dramatic child loves to be nurtured and adored. You can also be the person that supports your child with co-working and body doubling and being the most patient of listeners to their many stories.
You love to pour into people, and when you do that, you fill your Inspired, Dramatic child’s cup in a beautiful way. Your challenge with your child is not letting them run all over you, which they will without boundaries. They don’t mean to do that because they love you, but because they have such high, creative energy, you can get so exhausted that you let them run the show, and while they might like that, they need your guidance to keep from becoming insufferable.
You can teach them to take turns in games and life as well as talking. I remember once saying to my child with the friendliest tone I could find that he was talking merely to hear himself talk, and I didn’t think he really cared if I was listening. I know that might sound harsh to a Supportive parent, but when he thought about it for a minute, my son agreed. He was talking to talk and expend energy, so we decided that he could keep talking, but I was going to make dinner, and if he wanted a response to something, he would tell me before he told me the story that he wanted me to respond, and it turned out to be a lovely time for both of us.
There are still days when he’s telling me a story that I’ll stop him and ask if he’s telling me something to share information or because he wants a response, and if it’s the former, I start doing mindless like putting dishes away where I can work on something I want to accomplish while he shares his story. I love supporting him that way, and he knows that he is supporting me at the same time.
Now let’s talk about the Cautious personality parenting the Inspired, Dramatic child. I won’t lie. This one can be a challenge unless you understand some very important things about each other.
Inspired, dramatic children don’t care about the details. They like coloring outside the lines, and they love making creative messes.
For the Cautious personality, that can look like defiance and flaunting the rules even when it’s not.
Like with the D child one of the great challenges of a C parent with an Inspired child is rules, and if this child does not like your rules, they will let you and everyone who will listen know about it. This is where the Cautious parent will benefit from showing, not just telling the Inspired, Dramatic child that they can benefit from the rules or they will resist them at every turn, and even when they do comply, they will do it begrudgingly and may defy them as soon as you’re out of sight.
The key to overcoming the challenge of the rules is to make them make sense to the Inspired, Dramatic child. In our house growing up, we had a bedtime and a lights out time. We were expected to be in bed at a certain time. We could listen to the radio or read for a set time after we were in bed to help us calm down for the night. While I didn’t love having a bedtime, knowing I could read, which I loved to do, made it so much easier to get myself to bed on time.
I’ve often talked about my sister in law who has a large amount of C in her personality mix versus my Inspired personality, and I think one of the conclusions we came to about our friendship can be incredibly powerful when it comes to Cautious parents with Inspired children.
One day my sister in law asked me how we stayed friends when we were so different, and I said I thought it was because I lift her up, and she keeps me grounded.
You see, the Inspired, Dramatic child is naturally optimistic, believes the best of people and lives for fun. When things go badly or the I child fails at something, they can spiral because they can turn that challenge into a personal thing. A Cautious parent always things of all the ways that things can go sideways, and as long as they don’t try to manipulate the Inspired child to stop taking chances, the two of them can look at every ‘failure’ and work out a way that things can go better next time.
This was a really cool thing to see with our youngest when he was working on his senior thesis project for college. His initial feedback was not positive, and when our son told us what his professor said, we knew he must have misunderstood something that was said long before his initial critique. Fortunately, there was time to fix it, and my son and husband hammered that plan out because this mama was not equipped to help him with the planning of what he was trying to convey.
Because my Cautious husband could drill down the details of our son’s project, it ended up looking amazing when it was pinned up at the gallery where he and his classmates displayed their projects.
Was it the best looking one there? Nope, but it held its own with most of the projects, and our son was very proud of what he submitted, and that’s what mattered most.
We are definitely going to keep talking about the complexity of how adult and child personality profiles interact and mix because when you figure this out, your relationship with your child can be better than you ever imagined. You learn to appreciate one another when you’re at your best and to deal with each other and stay connected and respectful even when you are stressed. Who doesn’t want that as a parent? That’s why I suggest that everyone get a personality assessment. There are multiple versions of the assessments for adults, children and teens, and if that sounds like a lot, it can be overwhelming, which is why, I would suggest that you book a free, 15 minute DISCovery call so we can figure out what would be the best plan for you moving forward.
You may have a question that we can solve in that 15 minute conversation. We might schedule something more, but I assure you that whatever we chat about, you’ll have some next steps to improve your relationship with your Driven child no matter what age they are.
So, go to the Moving Toward Better homepage and sign up for your DISCovery call and let’s chat soon.
As always, if you like what you’ve heard, please share and subscribe.
Until next time, keep moving toward better, whatever that looks like for you.
Show Notes
If you have a Dramatic child, you may find them hilarious, exhausting, ridiculous, entertaining and more. Like the Driven child, the Dramatic and Inspired child has specific needs and when you know how your personalities can clash and how to avoid that, it’s parenting gold.
Have a listen and see how you can help your Dramatic child and maybe avoid some of the meltdowns, crying fits and shenanigans of this emotional child.
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Sally Field winning an Oscar® for "Places in the Heart"
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